Unloved

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I don’t know who is reading this. If anyone is even reading this.

But I need to vent.

I started this blog because I wanted to document what it is like to look for marriage in a halal way without the help of ones family or friends. To share frustrations and speak to people who are going through the same thing.

And it was going well. I was getting more readers and comments alhamdulillah. But it was getting embarrassing. I have been wanting to get married since I was 17 and have at this point probably spoken to hundreds of men but I have not even gotten close to getting married. Don’t think I’ve met a guy more than twice. So I was scared that I was going to be ‘found out’. That people were going to clock on and realize that there is something wrong with me.

Because there has to be, right? Why else would it be so hard for me to find someone? I’m too picky so it’s difficult for me to find someone I like, and once I do I either get too attached or I am too overwhelming or… am just too much. Whatever that means, I’m not sure what it is I do that scare men away.

So I quit.

I am very grateful for the years I have spent on my own. I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want so alhamdulillah, I am grateful to Allah SWT and I trust in Him completely.

But even though I feel like I have grown as a Muslim and as a woman over the past 6 years since I began my search and a lot has changed since I was 17, I feel like nothing has changed at all. I still have the same insecurities with men that prevent me from making a go of it with someone, anyone. No matter how much I work on myself they are still there and won’t go away. I fear that I am fundamentally unlovable.

Patience is a bitter and hard pill to swallow. This world is only temporary and one day we will all go back to Allah SWT, and I hope and pray that the day I am reunited with Him will be the happiest day of my life. This thought is the only thing that gives me strength to keep going because I am in a constant state of pain and I am not sure if there are a lot of people that understand. It is getting harder and harder every day to keep going but I have to because I have no choice but to be patient.

People like to tell me that I already am loved so they don’t understand why it hurts me so much that I’m not married. Yes, my family loves me alhamdulillah. And alhamdulillah yes I have friends that care for me. But that is not the kind of love I desire. Is it so bad that I want a man to love and care for me? I have never been loved and cared for by a man. My father abandoned me when I was a baby and has never cared for me, ever. Why must I be made to feel like I’m weak and pathetic for wanting to be cared for by the opposite sex?

Why is independence worshiped when we are clearly not built to be on our own? Why is it so bad to need people? We are at the mercy of everything around us, so with what arrogance do we declare ourselves free of need? There is only One who is free of need and He is far above you and I.

My iman is not high enough for Allah’s love to be enough for me and not desire anything else. But His love is superior so even if I never find anyone I will get by inshaaAllah because I will be returned to Him.

I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to make myself worthy. If I am worthy. I don’t know what to do. I’m just really tired.

 

Oblivion

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘alaykum!

I find it quite amusing that in my last blog post I praised myself for being a consistent blogger for a year – only to drop off the face of the earth.

But I am back. Still not married :’D

I have been re-reading my old blog posts and it has been a cringe fest to say the least. Cringey because as much as I like to believe that I’ve changed and grown as  a human being and become soooooo mature, I’m still the same person. Also I come across as a total psycho in my blog posts. But hey, I’d be lying if I pretended to be sane.

Another thing I noticed in my posts was how forgetful I am. I constantly talk about realizations, epiphanies and lessons I’ve learnt but I never actually remember them. In other words, the same lessons that 2014 Muslimah learnt are the same lessons 2016 Muslimah is having.

SubhanaAllah, it is no wonder that Allah SWT repeats Himself in His Qur’an over and over again, over and over again, over and over again.

It reminds me of the hadith narrated by ‘Aisha (RA) when the Messenger (SAW) died:

“Narrated ‘Aisha:

(the wife of the Prophet) Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) died while Abu Bakr was at a place called As-Sunah (Al-‘Aliya) ‘Umar stood up and said, “By Allah! Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) is not dead!” ‘Umar (later on) said, “By Allah! Nothing occurred to my mind except that.” He said, “Verily! Allah will resurrect him and he will cut the hands and legs of some men.” Then Abu Bakr came and uncovered the face of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ), kissed him and said, “Let my mother and father be sacrificed for you, (O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)), you are good in life and in death. By Allah in Whose Hands my life is, Allah will never make you taste death twice.” Then he went out and said, “O oath-taker! Don’t be hasty.” When Abu Bakr spoke, ‘Umar sat down. Abu Bakr praised and glorified Allah and said, No doubt! Whoever worshipped Muhammad, then Muhammad is dead, but whoever worshipped Allah, then Allah is Alive and shall never die.” Then he recited Allah’s Statement.:– “(O Muhammad) Verily you will die, and they also will die.” (39.30) He also recited:–

“Muhammad is no more than an Apostle; and indeed many Apostles have passed away, before him, If he dies Or is killed, will you then Turn back on your heels? And he who turns back On his heels, not the least Harm will he do to Allah And Allah will give reward to those Who are grateful.” (3.144)

 

— Sahih al-Bukhari 3674
Book 62, Hadith 19
      Vol. 5, Book 57, Hadith 19

 

I believe there is another narration where Umar (RA) says it was as if he heard the ayat for the very first time when Abu Bakr (RA) recited them but I couldn’t find it, unfortunately.

Either way, it is understandable how Qur’an is and should be a vital aspect to our lives. Our memories are so fallible and we’re so weak. What a great gift and source of strength the Qur’an is.

To anyone reading this, what recent epiphany have you had/lesson have you learnt? I’m super interested in hearing what you have to say (inshaaAllah).

Hope the rest of your day is lovely 🙂

 

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

I feel as though a life time has gone by since I sat down to write a blog post when in reality it’s only been one month, almost two.

It’s been a year now since I started this blog and I must say that I’m astonished that I still keep this up. I quit nearly everything I do, I think it’s rather telling that I went through three jobs last year. Nothing I ever do I consider permanent, so to have hit the one year mark on this blog is slightly bewildering. I just skimmed through my very first post and expected to hate it, but I quite enjoyed reading it. I think it’s more cringing for me to read the posts I’ve put my soul in, no matter how ridiculous or good they are.

Why am I talking about this all of a sudden? I say this with no resentment or bitterness, but who really gives a crap about this blog’s one year anniversary? I truly don’t, but I do find it amusing in a weird way. I guess what I’m trying to get at here is what is the point?

What is the point in anything I do? I’m a yo-yo. In terms of my imaan and my relationship to Islam, it’s seriously up and down. High highs, and really low lows. Islam is the only thing that has any meaning in my life, it is my life I have often said, and I truly believe it. But what other parts are there to my life? Why do I work at a retail shop I loathe from my very core? Why do I live in a city I despise? Why  do I do nothing to change it? It seems so useless, all of it.

Why do I blog? When I started my blog I did it for two reasons, I wanted to vent and for people to relate to what I was saying because I was unsure if Muslims felt the way I did. And I wanted to be liked. Not admired because I find nothing admirable about me, but liked by a lot of people. Now, my blog is my diary. Whatever I can’t say to people, I put it here. Whether I’m liked or not doesn’t really matter much anymore, but I’m not saying I’ve ceased seeking the approval of people. What I mean is, I am far more interested in hearing what people think about what I say. It’s thought provoking.

But why do I keep doing it? Just last month I was dead set on deleting my blog, thinking I’d revealed too much of myself and was extremely upset about that but I told myself that I might regret it, so I didn’t.

I want to travel, I tell myself often. See what the world is like, appreciate what Allah SWT has created. I want to make a difference for Muslims, I want to stand up for myself. Civil rights and all that jazz. I want to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life that earns me money.

All of these things are followed by big fat question marks. Why, what, how, when, where?

It’s all very frustrating.

Dreams

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

In relation to the last post, I wanted to ask you something.

You see, lately I’ve been having these dreams, about my future. Things that I actually want to do, things that I’m actually passionate about. But they’re impossible in almost every sense of the way. Some due to my restrictions as a Muslim woman in society (I sometimes wish there was a country where only women were allowed so we could do whatever we wanted), some due because I would never be able to make a living that way, and some due to me just being…myself. A black, Muslim, hijab wearing woman. Society would knock me down before I even had a chance to try, in the professions that I think I might have  a passion for.

And I also have other dreams of just living in peace. Where I can go out without feeling scrutinized, without thinking if today is the day I’m going to be attacked for what I represent, verbally or physically. Or not facing any prejudice because of my skin color or religion, from anyone.

This stuff is also impossible, that’s just not the world we live in. I swear, sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to cope with life. I have irrational feelings that everyone hates me, and if someone doesn’t hate me for the way I look then they hate me for who I am, so how is one supposed to deal with life? I seriously look at trees and envy them sometimes. Or grass, or even birds because they serve their purpose flawlessly and easily. No one ever hates a bird for being a bird, and if they do then they have issues. The bird doesn’t know nor does it care. No wonder humans are rewarded Jannah and trees aren’t.

But that’s not my question. My question is, do you ever feel that as a Muslim that your dreams are not as easily fulfilled just because you’re a Muslim? That some things you absolutely cannot do because you are a Muslim, but not because Islam says no? If that makes sense.

Would love to hear any answers, inshaAllah.

For the first time, I cannot think of a post title. Oh well, what does it matter

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

This ummah is so beautiful in the way that so many of us strive to make dawah, strive to make a change. I love that, it’s exactly what we need. We all need advice and need to check ourselves every once in a while.

But why doesn’t anyone talk about their struggles without feeling the need to insert a list of solutions? There are millions of videos,and articles and blog posts and Q&A’s that have covered thousands and thousands of questions.

But why doesn’t anyone talk publicly about what bothers them? What they have difficulties with? We don’t need to be crude here, but maybe someone had a day where they were really tempted to listen to music. They didn’t, but it sucked and they want to share that it sucked. People then read it and relate, maybe some even think “Oh alhamdulillah, I’m not alone in this”.

Why don’t people like to talk about what bothers them? Is it because it hurts? Is it because it’s embarrassing, it hurts their pride? I know that if I’m not allowed to talk about what bothers and hurts me, I’ll go insane. I’ll probably jump off a building.

Everyone has these concrete walls up. It’s tiring to hack through them. I want to feel apart of an ummah, but it’s so hard to do when everyone pretends they’ve got it it together, when we don’t. We’re all messed up, some more than others, but we are. And it’s okay.

Loop

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

I find it sort of amusing that I have been living my entire life backwards. When I was a kid I would often look back to the years when I was even younger and reminisce on those days. My mom would always accuse me of being too nostalgic, but I firmly believed that the past was much better than the present.

Skip forward to 2014, December. I’m 21 now and nothing much has changed. I live in the past but instead of drawing from my own experiences I fall into a world of fiction, a topic I’ve talked about extensively in past posts, and I become nostalgic over that. I watch old movies, I obsess and obsess until I literally have to force myself to let go. Same with TV shows, and anime in the past. They become my source of nostalgia, my source of comfort.

All because I’m absolutely terrified of living life, another subject I have delved into. I loathe responsibility, and I use the word ‘loathe’ because I don’t think hate is enough. I really, and seriously disdain responsibility. So everything I have to do to support myself and make a living honestly feels like I’m going against every cell in my body. My body is literally telling me no. Maybe because I’m spoiled, I mean that’s how only spoiled people act, right?

I’m really scared of people. I’m really scared of women, I can’t make friendships. I just quit a job now because honestly the pay was awful and I only had about one shift a week there. But I had managed to make everyone there hate me or at the very least dislike me because I’m such a socially awkward being. I say things that come off in the wrong way. Some things I mean sincerely and they sound sarcastic.

If I’m ever going to be successful in creating relationships I will have to adjust the way I speak, be very mindful of what I say and talk about things other people feel comfortable talking about and not what I want to say. Which is something else I don’t want to do, another chore. A vital one though, unfortunately.

I’m my own worst critic so believe me, I kick myself often and a lot for telling myself that I can’t do things. I have a little voice in my head that goes off every time I say I can’t that accuses me of not trying hard enough.

But I’m tired. I want to be myself but people don’t like me. I have to change, even though what I do and say is never with malicious intent, but it makes people uncomfortable. So, I’m scared. Now I have to look for yet another job, maybe people won’t like me there either. They haven’t in the last three working places, why should they now. I don’t want to do retail anymore either but I have no degree so it’s slim pickings.

I should fear the Master of everything but I’m so stuck in life that I’m scared of everything.

I live backwards. And it hurts me that I do, it’s not a good thing. I’m never sadder than when I am stuck in fiction. I try to connect to the Qur’an, and it soothes me. I try to be a better person too but it’s like I forgot how. It’s honestly like I’ve forgotten common sense.

It feels like I’m always waiting for something disastrous to happen. I haven’t ever tasted hardship, I haven’t even felt it on the tip of my tongue. And I fear everything in life will get worse from here on out. That adds a lot to the fear. But I don’t want to die any day now and have something to be really scared of.

Speaking of death, I talk about it a lot. I see it as a huge relief, you know, if you’ve been good. And I cannot wait until I’m good enough to die, inshaAllah. Maybe it’s with topics like these that I alienate people.

I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post. Make sense of my fears? Maybe confront them? Am I not doing that by looking for jobs even though I don’t want to? But I know deep down that I’m really not doing that because of my mentality; I’m expecting failure before I’ve even tried. My family has had the same talk with me all my life about that.

I’m a big disappointment to them anyway, nothing I do is ever right. They can claim the opposite but actions speak louder than words. Or is the way I perceive things very warped? Maybe my family doesn’t give that off at all.

I can’t trust my own judgement anymore. I’m stuck in a loop.

Rocky Balboa

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

I find inspiration in the strangest places, and honestly that is one of the many beautiful things about guidance from Allah SWT. Even when you are doing wrong, He SWT will still give you guidance, even if it is from a source of wrong. Not encouraging anyone to do wrong, but I feel like I need to put this out there. It’s simply amazing. More than amazing, but I have no word for it is. SubhanaAllah. I can only credit Allah SWT for my epiphanies.

I was watching all of the Rocky films in the last couple of days, minus IV and V because let’s be frank. They are the worst out of the bunch.

I swear, both Rocky and Adrian carry so many characteristics of what a Muslim should be like in character and to each other as husband and wife that it blows my mind. And what is even more incredible to me is that their relationship is such a great example of how a husband and wife SHOULD treat each other AS MUSLIMS.

THEY’RE NOT EVEN MUSLIM. SYLVESTER FREAKING STALLONE WROTE THIS. Who is also a really great writer, anyone that has seen Rocky has to agree.

But I shall elaborate as to why I say this. It’s almost 3am and I’m very sleepy so forgive me for omitting words and poor grammar. Rocky loves Adrian for the person that she is and how she treats him. Adrian is honest, she is considerate, she never belittles Rocky, she believes in him and she is loyal to him. She’s not a perfect woman, she doesn’t always know the right thing to say to help Rocky but she is there for him.

Rocky treats Adrian like she is the most precious thing in the world. She’s been put down all of her life by her brother, she he makes her feel special. Adrian is painfully shy and doesn’t speak a lot so Rocky makes up for that by being a chatterbox which takes the pressure off of her and makes up tons of bad jokes just to make her laugh. She is his rock and he is hers.

Why am I raving so much about a fictional couple? Because this couple taught me something valuable that I never believed in. You know the saying of how what you have on the inside matters and not the outside? I always called bull on that. I failed to see how one can’t have both? Good looks and awesome personality.

With the Rocky films I see that I completely missed the point. Adrian isn’t the best looking woman, she hides behind tons of layers of clothes and huge glasses. Rocky is a street bum, he works for a loan shark, he boxes in seedy clubs and has absolutely nothing going for him. If you were to search for your ideal partner, none of these people would be it. Had Rocky been more shallow he’d never have gone for Adrian, and had Adrian been more of a snob, because compared to Rocky she was a well read woman, she would have never gone for Rocky.

And they would have never found their second halves if they had these attitudes. They were literally two perfect pieces of a puzzle.

Which was just soooooooo REFRESHING for me to see in a work of fiction. People like to portray love stories and make them out to be so beautiful and deep, filled with meaning, when they’re really stories about infatuation and lust. I never got that with Rocky, I actually saw what true love could be. Two people coming together and becoming one entity, literally finding your missing half.

Like how our mother Eve (A.S) was the missing rib of our father Adam (A.S). Before anyone gets offended I am not comparing Rocky and Adrian to Adam and Eve, just elaborating on the missing half stuff.

This stuff right here. I never got it, I never understood why being shallow was such a bad thing, why I couldn’t be shallow and look for the person that would be a good match for me. We should look for piety first, that is already a given for me. But looks always came before character and I’m feeling now that if I’m ever going to have a successful marriage, I should prioritize character.

I am not telling anyone to go look for someone you’re not attracted to but has an awesome personality, no. If you are okay with someone’s looks, and their piety is on point, and they have a pretty cool personality? Grab on them, SERIOUSLY grab on to them for dear LIFE because you’ve just found yourself a perfect person.

Sighs. Why were the best films made in the 70s and 80s? I have absolutely no one to spazz over this stuff with. Good thing anyway, my movie addiction is escalating. I NEED A JOBBBBBBBBB.

Rant end.

DISCUSSION TAIMU

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

You guise, if none of you mind, I would like to start a discussion. And I REALLY hope someone is willing to have this discussion because I’m kind of going out of my fricking mind at the moment. AS YOU CAN TELL WITH MY EXCESSIVE USAGE OF CAPS.

See, I’m freaking out about marriage. I want to get married but I don’t. I mean the responsibilities, looking after another person with a huge amount of care and attention. Not to mention the possibility of future kids, to raise them into being decent Muslim people. I can hardly take care of myself and I’m supposed to be in charge of instilling these heavy lessons into my kids?!?!

And you don’t have a lot of time either, you only really have until adolescence until they start thinking for themselves and truly embodying whatever it is that you have taught them and they have taken example of from you. THIS IS SUPER SCARY.

BUT. At the same time I recognize that I cannot possibly get closer to Allah SWT by myself. There are so many trials and difficulties in  every day life that I cannot even find comfort in my own family. I need backup, someone that shares the same outlook on life that I have. When everyone in the world is telling me I’m wrong for giving stuff up, I want someone in my corner to tell me I’m doing the right thing. I cannot do this by myself.

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION. This is for everyone, married or unmarried. Do you think that marriage complicates or simplifies life?

I’m torn. I feel as if it complicates life to a whole ‘nother level and I barely have the guts to do every day stuff like… Look for jobs. Or making friends. Sheesh. But I also see the benefits to it. BUT IT SCARES ME. I’m a coward.

Bubble

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

Life is tremendously difficult. And I’m not talking about hardship, or about depression. To deal with reality and its factors such as responsibilities and relationships is something I find very difficult. To eat, breathe, walk, speak, think, is hard, To be human is hard.

I have spent the majority of my life escaping from reality from a very young age. Immersing myself in TV obsession, Internet obsession, celebrity obsession. My life was mostly a  bubble made up by fiction. My source of happiness and comfort came from this bubble. It’s no wonder that I was so troubled. Though what I’ve learned about life thus so far is that our behavior is recurring. Just because we choose to stop behaving a certain way, it does not guarantee that we will stop forever. Even if we want to. The same applies to my bubble.

I’ve managed to break away from my bubble slowly over time, but I have a problem. I seriously love fiction. Stories that pull at my heart strings, new stories that I’ve discovered, old stories  I have grown accustomed to and its characters I have developed love for. I mean… The Catcher in the Rye affected me so much the first time I read it that I re-read it two more times and had a horrible month because the book made me feel so down.

What does this have to do with my bubble? Things hit me hard, whatever I feel. I figure it is because I’m a sensitive person and the fact that I’ve shielded myself so much from the world, and I fear so much. So when hardship hits me, I try my best to attach myself to Allah SWT. I really do. I love the Qur’an so much. So much. It heals my heart and brings me peace. It makes me happy and find beauty and mercy and everything.

But then. People are not the way they should be according to my bubble, and I don’t like that. I don’t know how to act around them. I don’t know how to read them, I don’t know how they think. I don’t know how to connect so I attempt to talk about things I think about and feel deeply about but then realize that’s a strange thing to do with people you’re acquaintances with. It’s confusing.

I do this creepy thing where I act confident and social. I do that for the first few times I meet people and then I am suddenly shy and weird. It kinda scares me to be honest. It’s as if I’m mimicking everyone I’ve met and am using their lines and jokes because I genuinely don’t know how to be with people.

Men are not the way they are in my bubble. Romantic relationships aren’t the way they are supposed to be. It scares me to the point that I almost don’t want a relationship. Not because it will disappoint me, but because it’s so foreign. I wouldn’t know how it would work. How to deal with hardship between spouses. I’ve been wanting a husband for ages and been looking for one for quite some time now. It seems so far out of reach that it terrifies me to the core that I’ll one day come close enough to touch it. I don’t want responsibility. I don’t want to have huge effects on people’s lives. Not yet.

Working is hard, too. Retail is definitely the wrong environment for me, I really have no clue how to deal with…anyone. I am almost brought to tears every night before I have work because I dread dealing with people. My bubble is warm and familiar. It’s comfortable. Ironically enough, it is when I retreat to my bubble that all of my troubles in life arise.

Islam teaches us to deal with problems head on, whatever they may. To never shy away from them and to trust in Allah SWT, and to ask for His help. It’s painful to face problems, it burns. I always thought we had to do it because facing issues will ultimately have the best results and meanwhile we just have to suck up the pain. But I’ve realized…that facing your problems is not just that. It’s also because when you hide, everything becomes worse.

Also my bubble does not fit in Islam. So naturally, I am taken away from Islam. I miss Allah SWT. So much. I don’t like that I’m leaving Him, to Whom belongs all praise and honor. Islam improves my life, I become a better person. But it is not comfortable, the way that the Prophet (SAW) lead his life and the rules that Allah SWT has sent down upon is of course nothing I could have thought of myself. They are, after all, from our Creator and He SWT knows us better than we know ourself. How we are supposed to act and do is only for our benefit. I’ve seen the effects of that myself, they are all positive.

But when you try to submit yourself to Allah and do your duty as a slave… Some days it feels as if everyone in the world is against you, even your own family. It isn’t comfortable, it can’t feel comfortable because everyone is telling you it isn’t right. With words, indirect speech, body language. It’s beautiful, it’s great, it makes you happy. But it’s not comfortable.

So pain. Pain all around. The bubble is warm. People aren’t, work isn’t, life isn’t. The bubble is comfortable.

Perpetual fear

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

Disclaimer: Depressing rant

The hardest thing in the world for me is standing up for myself. I  can stand up for others, sure. I can stand up for a cause, absolutely. I can give someone an earful of how unfairly they’ve treated someone.

But when it comes to myself? Nuh uh, no way. I don’t know why, I freeze up. I get scared beyond belief, it doesn’t matter what the situation is. I tend not to speak my true feelings, I just hold in whatever I’ve got to say. And if I were to guess, this is most likely derived from having an emotionally and mentally abusive friend for nearly a decade. Where whatever I said was wrong and whatever I did was wrong so I was always shouted at or given the silent treatment.

I’m also always scared of making anyone angry. So I never truly speak my mind, in fear of upsetting someone. When I speak to strangers, my voice is meek and high pitched. Ironic since I have a pretty deep voice. My family members like to joke that I sound like a man.

This leads to people not taking me seriously and showing me little respect. And I get that, I mean, what kind of a person who is scared over every single little thing deserves respect? It is sad though that it adds on to my self esteem. How I feel worthless and stupid and like such a horrible Muslim that I fear other than Allah SWT. That I don’t know how to stop. That even in situations when I have the right to be angry, I’m the one that is right in whatever situation, I lay awake at night, worried that the other party is angry with me.

And it hurts, and it gives me unnecessary headaches. Whenever situations like these happen I just wish I could be another person, someone with a spine.

Yes, I’m throwing a pity party but this is my blog so I’m allowed.

It’s times like these that the voice in my head reminds me that I’m a failure in every other aspect in life anyway, so I really shouldn’t be surprised. No wonder I have no friends, I’m too weird in social situations because I’m scared of being myself. No wonder I attract no proposals, the crazy and weird must exude from my body. That is why only crazy and weird men gravitate towards me.

It’s weird, I’m my own cheerleader and my own devil. I cheer myself up in the day, reminding myself that I’m a human that makes mistakes. That I’m not horrible. That I’m not damaged. That I’m not disgusting. That I am wanted.

Then at night I tell myself exactly the opposite.

Fun times.