Bubble

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

Life is tremendously difficult. And I’m not talking about hardship, or about depression. To deal with reality and its factors such as responsibilities and relationships is something I find very difficult. To eat, breathe, walk, speak, think, is hard, To be human is hard.

I have spent the majority of my life escaping from reality from a very young age. Immersing myself in TV obsession, Internet obsession, celebrity obsession. My life was mostly a  bubble made up by fiction. My source of happiness and comfort came from this bubble. It’s no wonder that I was so troubled. Though what I’ve learned about life thus so far is that our behavior is recurring. Just because we choose to stop behaving a certain way, it does not guarantee that we will stop forever. Even if we want to. The same applies to my bubble.

I’ve managed to break away from my bubble slowly over time, but I have a problem. I seriously love fiction. Stories that pull at my heart strings, new stories that I’ve discovered, old stories  I have grown accustomed to and its characters I have developed love for. I mean… The Catcher in the Rye affected me so much the first time I read it that I re-read it two more times and had a horrible month because the book made me feel so down.

What does this have to do with my bubble? Things hit me hard, whatever I feel. I figure it is because I’m a sensitive person and the fact that I’ve shielded myself so much from the world, and I fear so much. So when hardship hits me, I try my best to attach myself to Allah SWT. I really do. I love the Qur’an so much. So much. It heals my heart and brings me peace. It makes me happy and find beauty and mercy and everything.

But then. People are not the way they should be according to my bubble, and I don’t like that. I don’t know how to act around them. I don’t know how to read them, I don’t know how they think. I don’t know how to connect so I attempt to talk about things I think about and feel deeply about but then realize that’s a strange thing to do with people you’re acquaintances with. It’s confusing.

I do this creepy thing where I act confident and social. I do that for the first few times I meet people and then I am suddenly shy and weird. It kinda scares me to be honest. It’s as if I’m mimicking everyone I’ve met and am using their lines and jokes because I genuinely don’t know how to be with people.

Men are not the way they are in my bubble. Romantic relationships aren’t the way they are supposed to be. It scares me to the point that I almost don’t want a relationship. Not because it will disappoint me, but because it’s so foreign. I wouldn’t know how it would work. How to deal with hardship between spouses. I’ve been wanting a husband for ages and been looking for one for quite some time now. It seems so far out of reach that it terrifies me to the core that I’ll one day come close enough to touch it. I don’t want responsibility. I don’t want to have huge effects on people’s lives. Not yet.

Working is hard, too. Retail is definitely the wrong environment for me, I really have no clue how to deal with…anyone. I am almost brought to tears every night before I have work because I dread dealing with people. My bubble is warm and familiar. It’s comfortable. Ironically enough, it is when I retreat to my bubble that all of my troubles in life arise.

Islam teaches us to deal with problems head on, whatever they may. To never shy away from them and to trust in Allah SWT, and to ask for His help. It’s painful to face problems, it burns. I always thought we had to do it because facing issues will ultimately have the best results and meanwhile we just have to suck up the pain. But I’ve realized…that facing your problems is not just that. It’s also because when you hide, everything becomes worse.

Also my bubble does not fit in Islam. So naturally, I am taken away from Islam. I miss Allah SWT. So much. I don’t like that I’m leaving Him, to Whom belongs all praise and honor. Islam improves my life, I become a better person. But it is not comfortable, the way that the Prophet (SAW) lead his life and the rules that Allah SWT has sent down upon is of course nothing I could have thought of myself. They are, after all, from our Creator and He SWT knows us better than we know ourself. How we are supposed to act and do is only for our benefit. I’ve seen the effects of that myself, they are all positive.

But when you try to submit yourself to Allah and do your duty as a slave… Some days it feels as if everyone in the world is against you, even your own family. It isn’t comfortable, it can’t feel comfortable because everyone is telling you it isn’t right. With words, indirect speech, body language. It’s beautiful, it’s great, it makes you happy. But it’s not comfortable.

So pain. Pain all around. The bubble is warm. People aren’t, work isn’t, life isn’t. The bubble is comfortable.

Spread the Peace

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum!

I’m such a lazy blogger ¬__¬. I’d been meaning to write a follow up post to my last one, and even typed up half of what I wanted to say. Then it was somehow deleted from my drafts and I simply couldn’t be bothered to type it up again. 

Also on a side-note I’ve noticed that I promise a lot of follow up posts but never actually write them? I apologize profusely to anyone who ever wanted to read a follow up post I failed to write, I’m trying to be better at keeping promises from now on! Hence this post. 

I was speaking about how I’ve changed in my last post and how the situation in Gaza was the catalyst to the change. Gaza made me put everything into perspective. Education wise, work wise, relationship wise, everything – you name it and it changed that. But most importantly, it made me realize how incredibly important our ummah is. 

I used to dwell on the negative aspects of our ummah. Complain about them, judge them, be suspicious them, use terms such as them and clearly distancing myself from the ummah. SubhanaAllah. I never understood that I was apart of the problem as well and was just as bad as the people I criticized. In fact, this very blog is a testament to the way I used to think and the only reason I keep those posts is so that I may remind myself of what I was, and inshaAllah never go back to that thinking. 

What Gaza made me understand is that Muslims all over the world had the power to change and charge against the oppression towards Muslims in many, many countries in the world. If only we unite. And it was gnawing at me because I kept wondering “Yes we need to unite, but then what, how do we make a real difference?!” 

I refused to believe the answer was just that simple. But it was. Because if the ummah were united, completely, a lot of genocides and war would be prevented. You can’t say Islamic nations hold no power, they do they’re just not doing a freaking thing about…anything worth doing. 

So how can we be united? I don’t believe anyone hates Muslims more than Muslims themselves. Facebook is proof of that. I mean seriously, look at any popular Muslim’s page. Never have I seen so much hatred filled up in such a small space. Shaytan is winning, you guys. I can’t even identify why we HATE each other so much. Perhaps we all view anyone who tries to do good as a hypocrite and try to tear that person down?

Either way most of don’t live after the sunnah to make excuses for the fellow Muslims and always think the best of them.

So, how do we all become united. It is a great gift from Allah SWT that the solution is so simple. According to this hadith from Sahih Muslim: 

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “You will not enter Paradise until you believe and you will not believe until you love each other. Shall I show you something that, if you did, you would love each other? Spread peace between yourselves.”

Source: Sahih Muslim 54

And it is so true. So, so, so true. Okay lemme tell you guys something. I’m a coward. Am not ashamed to admit that I am because it’s true. I am a giant wuss, I’m scared of everyone and everything. And I’m from Sweden, speaking to strangers something unheard of. If you do, people will look at you strangely and silently wonder if you’re a psychopath. That’s why it’s so strange to me to hear of people from other countries where the norm is to engage in conversations with people you’ve never met!

So you can imagine how I felt about spreading the salaam with random Muslims. It made me sweat and all sorts. But once I got over my barrier, the response was amazing. People smile at you, they’re happy that you greeted them. That in turn makes YOU happy, and slowly you actually start to care for your ummah more. You actually develop a sense of love for these people that are your brothers and sisters in Islam. 

It seems so small but it really is huge. If we spread the salaam then inshaAllah all of our petty issues will slowly evaporate, and then finally one day inshaAllah, we will be united. We might not be able to physically change everything going on right now, especially the siege in Gaza. But if we try to love one another, we might be able to change it for them in the future inshaAllah.

Yes I’m aware that I sound like I hippie but I only say this because it’s the truth!

Slow but gradual change is the best type there is! So spread the salaam, you guys. I promise you, it will change your life. 

I am Neurotic

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Edit: Did anyone spot my grammar error on the title? I swear, I deserve a medal for my English.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to know what was wrong with me. Because there was/IS something wrong with me. The way I deal with my emotions, the way I tend to be depressed for long periods of time and be completely okay for other periods of time. How I feel hurt and upset over things that don’t seem to faze people. How small things like meeting new people, or doing something new whether people are watching me or not terrifies the living crap out of me. How I’m incapable of dealing with stress, how stressful situations send me into an anger fit, later followed by depression.

I always thought that I might have depression, but then many signs of depression never occurred in me. I thought I may have an anxiety disorder because sometimes I will be overwhelmed by life to the point that I feel as if I’m physically having difficulty breathing, the world’s ending and that I’m going to die. But again, many of the symptoms there didn’t suit. They didn’t fit.

Yesterday after browsing the web at something AM in the morning, I came across a test on neuroticism and received these results:

Your Score: 120%

Neuroticism, also known inversely as Emotional Stability, refers to the tendency to experience negative emotions. Those who score high on Neuroticism may experience primarily one specific negative feeling such as anxiety, anger, or depression, but are likely to experience several of these emotions. People high in Neuroticism are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense than normal. They are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. Their negative emotional reactions tend to persist for unusually long periods of time, which means they are often in a bad mood. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish a neurotic’s ability to think clearly, make decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

This is me. Not some of it, not one or two symptoms, ALL of it. This is me.

Why I decided to write a post about this? I’m not sure. In typical neurotic fashion, I cried when I read this, and they were tears of happiness. I finally knew why I was so WEIRD, why I always respond differently to situations. Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah! I’m so thankful, I’m so happy to know exactly what’s wrong with me.