Perpetual fear

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum

Disclaimer: Depressing rant

The hardest thing in the world for me is standing up for myself. I  can stand up for others, sure. I can stand up for a cause, absolutely. I can give someone an earful of how unfairly they’ve treated someone.

But when it comes to myself? Nuh uh, no way. I don’t know why, I freeze up. I get scared beyond belief, it doesn’t matter what the situation is. I tend not to speak my true feelings, I just hold in whatever I’ve got to say. And if I were to guess, this is most likely derived from having an emotionally and mentally abusive friend for nearly a decade. Where whatever I said was wrong and whatever I did was wrong so I was always shouted at or given the silent treatment.

I’m also always scared of making anyone angry. So I never truly speak my mind, in fear of upsetting someone. When I speak to strangers, my voice is meek and high pitched. Ironic since I have a pretty deep voice. My family members like to joke that I sound like a man.

This leads to people not taking me seriously and showing me little respect. And I get that, I mean, what kind of a person who is scared over every single little thing deserves respect? It is sad though that it adds on to my self esteem. How I feel worthless and stupid and like such a horrible Muslim that I fear other than Allah SWT. That I don’t know how to stop. That even in situations when I have the right to be angry, I’m the one that is right in whatever situation, I lay awake at night, worried that the other party is angry with me.

And it hurts, and it gives me unnecessary headaches. Whenever situations like these happen I just wish I could be another person, someone with a spine.

Yes, I’m throwing a pity party but this is my blog so I’m allowed.

It’s times like these that the voice in my head reminds me that I’m a failure in every other aspect in life anyway, so I really shouldn’t be surprised. No wonder I have no friends, I’m too weird in social situations because I’m scared of being myself. No wonder I attract no proposals, the crazy and weird must exude from my body. That is why only crazy and weird men gravitate towards me.

It’s weird, I’m my own cheerleader and my own devil. I cheer myself up in the day, reminding myself that I’m a human that makes mistakes. That I’m not horrible. That I’m not damaged. That I’m not disgusting. That I am wanted.

Then at night I tell myself exactly the opposite.

Fun times.