Depression

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

All praise is due to Allah SWT, and may His infinite peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). May Allah SWT be pleased with his (SAW) family and companions, ameen.

Asalaamu ‘aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

Ooo two blog posts in one day? I’m on fire, people. AND IT’S ABOUT ME AGAN 😀

It’s funny, as a Muslim it sometimes feels that being miserable, hurting inside or feeling very low is deemed to be illegal almost by other Muslims. It’s as if you’re not allowed to ever feel bad and if you do, you’re a horrible Muslim. I think this type of thinking stems from the belief that everything that happens to a Muslim is good. When you are blessed, alhamdulillah! When you’re inflicted with pains and trials, alhamdulillah, Allah SWT has removed your sins and may even have elevated your status in Jannah. Which of course I believe in; I don’t want anyone to get any funny ideas that I’m refuting that belief. But even so, when people are in pain and they have problems, it seems weird to tell them they cannot feel sad, ever. It’s impossible in fact; it’s a human emotion. You can be grateful for the countless favors and blessings of Allah SWT, but you can still feel sad.

I’m going to take myself as an example, and I will be honest; lately I haven’t felt very close to Allah SWT and my imaan has been slipping. Just like a roller coaster, I’ve come off my high and I can feel myself plummeting. I’m also super lonely at the moment. I mean, all my life I’ve always wanted a best friend, someone to rely on, to love, and care for and as I hit puberty that someone turned into an attractive tall man that I want to marry. So the lack of a companion, the lack of close friends (did I seriously just out myself as a loser?) has really put me down.

The problem with me though is that I don’t ask anyone for help, especially my family. I can’t, because it’s embarrassing.  It’s difficult enough to explain to people that you’re lonely, never mind that you feel detached from Allah SWT. The latter itself is like a huge failure and that you deserve to almost die or be abandoned for it. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic (that is my speciality, I must admit). I refuse to admit to any type of weakness and would rather just keep it bottled up until it eats me up and I burst into tears in my lonesome. I know. I’m so much fun,

So it’s kind of difficult, and I wind up relying on the judgemental voice in my head that my problems is because I’m detached and that reading Qur’an is all I need and nothing else. I’m just too horrible to not completely rely on the Qur’an to help me.

Now, I’m not saying the Qur’an doesn’t help me. When I feel at my worst and I listen to Qur’an, my heart is at peace. I’m still hurting but my heart is at peace, it’s like I can breathe when I was suffocated before. But I don’t know how to not feel lonely. I don’t know how to maintain an okay level of piety. I’m either super pious, or I’m really low. And it’s like I desperately want help, but I reject the help of my family, or anyone I know.

Also the Prophet (SAW) gave people advice, he (SAW) never told anyone to go read the Qur’an if they were going through difficulties, so why should we act like that.

So I do silly things like abandoning my diet and exercise and eat ridiculous food at ridiculous time at night (form of self destruction, if I can’t harm myself, I will make myself fat. Which…doesn’t really work out too well), I sometimes send questions to people that do naseeha in the minor hope that they might help me but then of course feel super depressed when I realize that my questions are probably never going to be answered ever because they get 50000000x questions a day.

And then I wind up feeling even more lonely and even more of a failure. So I wind up wishing I had someone to love me, to care for me, to help me. But I refuse to ask anyone for help.

But what’s even better is that I also realize that I am so clearly not in the right head-space for a husband at the moment. Before I said it was because I was immature, which I sort of disagree with now. Not that I have immature tendencies but that it’s a reason for me not to get married because Aisha (RA) was 9 when she got married and at 9, even though Aisha (RA) was a special type of woman, couldn’t have been super mature at that age.

What I mean is that because I feel detached from Allah SWT, I don’t want to get married to anyone, and I want to fix that aspect before anything. Yet I’m beating myself up for having lows, and not being able to maintain an okay level of piety. So I don’t know, I don’t know what to do.

I absolutely refuse to talk to a local 500 year old imam because that’s just embarrassing. “Yes, asalaam aleykum sheikh, I’m going through difficulties because I’m super lonely because I want a hubby but can’t have one because I’m really far away from Allah SWT, and the latter issue itself is a huge problem enough to make me super depressed. What should I do?” SERIOUSLY. I would rather break my leg. 

JazakAllahu khairan 🙂